Cool Bill Jefferson can take the heat off Paris Hilton

“Did I bribe a foreign official? Absolutely not. The $90,000 was the FBI’s money. The FBI gave it to me as part of their plan that I would give it to the Nigerian Vice President. But I did not do that. When all of the facts are understood, I trust I will be vindicated.”

…as told to reporters by Representative William Jefferson, D-Louisiana who is pleading innocent to 16 criminal counts and 11 separate bribery schemes.

Hmmmm…..how did THAT happen, I wonder………………….

Dear Mr. Jefferson:

Please take $90,000 of the $100,000 dollars you weren’t given (wink, wink), place it in your briefcase and drive home.

Next, we want you to take the money and wrap it in aluminum foil. Seriously. Aluminum foil. Make sure you do not wrap the entire bundle; break in down into smaller, $10K increments.

Now, take those foil bundles and shove them into separate frozen food containers, and stash them in your freezer.

We deeply appreciate your keeping this money on ice for us, Mr. Jefferson, as I am sure you understand that, being the Federal Bureau of Investigation, we do not have access to aluminum foil, frozen food containers, or freezers. Granted, we could place the funds in a vault, but that might rouse the suspicion of the CIA. You know, the Central Intelligence Agency is so dern picky.

We have assured the Nigerian Vice-President, who is understandably concerned that a hot deal may be going down, that the matter is cooling off as we speak. In fact, we have made it quite clear to him that freezing his assets will greatly benefit him.  We are arranging for Alanis Morissette to sing “Isn’t It Ironic?” as we are discussing this with him.

Your kindness in this matter is greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

the FBI

URGENT UPDATE

MEMO: To the Ice Man

 Paris Hilton is going back to jail. Do not worry.

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