A Modest Proposal

Dear Britney:

No doubt, gazillions of people are blogging about and posting photos of your recent situational challenges with exiting automobiles. Since you and I share a birthday, I thought that our astrological connection might open the door (or in your case, maybe it should close the door?) to a few ponderings.

Perhaps you should consider contacting the LaLeche League to determine if it is too late to consider breastfeeding your younger son as an option. Based on the ample storage capacity that has been prominently and frequently photographed, this would seem viable.

In addition, childbirth does have a way of requiring certain anatomical parts to be public, but dearie, there’s a reason we teach children to refer to them as privates. And if going commando is something you’re totally committed to, well, could you find some kicky pants you like and wear those instead?

And finally–I have a 23-year-old daughter who wants (and I use present tense because I know of no way to explain to her your present antics) to, as she tells it, “have a singing career like Britney.” Sarah has Down’s Syndrome. (She does know, though, to wear undergarments and how to exit a car when she is wearing a skirt. ) Anyway Britney, I am so disappointed for my daughter because she is smart enough, sooner or later, she will read the tabloid headlines while we standing in line in the grocery. Then I will forced to define terms for her that should not be part of her vocabulary. And I will feel like I did that day riding in the car with my ten-year-old son who is listening to details from the Starr report who then questions me about oral sex and stained dresses.

Britney, stay home, party later. You are young. You are rich. You can suck and tuck and augment in your middle age years without ever counting the cost. You can pay people to party with you. You can pay photographers to follow you, magazines to print their pictures, talk shows to guest on.

But you will never–regardless of your fame or infamy, money, talent, influence–never replace these years with your sons. How will you explain to them, when they are your age, the choices you are making today? Good luck with that. Let me know how that works for you.

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3 thoughts on “A Modest Proposal

  1. You go girl! You sure can think of lots to say on a variety of subjects. I find myself agreeing with you and thinking, “Why didn’t I write that?” Maybe I need to get me “one of these things” and vent a little. I might make myself smarter. 🙂

    Britney makes me incredibly sad. She doesn’t have a clue.

    Looking forward to coffee at your house – without dogs.
    Hug Sarah for me.

  2. i just spit a little coffee out at my desk…

    In addition, childbirth does have a way of requiring certain anatomical parts to be public, but dearie, there’s a reason we teach children to refer to them as privates. And if going commando is something you’re totally committed to, well, could you find some kicky pants you like and wear those instead?

    that’s where it left my mouth…

    10 points good one

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